Wow, that's depressing....

I must be feeling frumpy or grumpy....I can't tell, it feels just like every other day. Maybe I am generally pessimistic???

Realistically though, if I turned 50 tomorrow, who really would definitely be there(this list being who I would want there), of my peers and people I have an emotional tie too?

Hmmm, Fam, rents.

KT, BM

who would maybe be there?

CBF


Who would probably not be there but would be invited anyway:

OBD, DF, M&J, RF, DD, MW, LG, CF, VS, LMM

and definately, no way would they find a way to be there:

LG
Actually in reflection, I think I am feeling like I left a little something behind a long time ago, maybe twice, and I miss it.

So, I was reminded today that all the mistakes I made were made as an adult

Things about me that frustrate or irk me
yes, that's a word, and that's my story):

I like to take photographs. I know funny way to start this post, but you see, I take photographs because I do not like to be in photographs. I am not necessarily pretty. From time to time I have had a nice body, from time to time when I get dressed up I look nice. There are some picture or me where I look good but as a general rule I can not wake up, get dressed and head out the door and have someone find me pretty.

Yeah sure beauty is only skin deep, blah blah blah, but I was not dealt the best face, hair, body or anything else. Do men find me attractive, I don't believe they do off hand, maybe when I was younger. Maybe when I was fit my body was nice. Maybe when I was dressed up I looked pretty but if they saw me on any given tuesday morning, lol, no.

Yes, I have had men in my life (I can name them but I wouldn't want to post it online) that find me pretty, but because I know them really well I can safely say I became more attractive when they got to know me.

I do not have a pretty voice, although I know of few people who really like my voice....to me it sounds kinda mechanical and nasal.

I did not finish college, although I am not sure I would have ever been satisfied in a career that would have come from a degree when I was young. I am a really good student I was just never quite certain what I wanted to do with my life and now I want to do dozens of things.

I learned just enough to be mediocre at the piano, I could have and I should have learned more.

I do not have many friends. If I died today I can count on my hands the people who would show up at my funeral, and I cannot guarantee they would even show up because if I die before my husband he would not know who to tell or call. I hate the fact that I do not have a lot of friends, the day I hate it most is on my birthday, believe me I will expound on that later.

I am not close to my brothers(from my mother). My oldest brother and I have a very strained but amicable relationship, I would know be able to pick his wife out in a crowd and I do not know my nephews at all. I have 2 brothers that were not raised with me at all, they do not keep in contact with me, although I could be better at calling Lawrence.

I procrastinate, sometimes on everything.....
I bite my nails, I know.....lol, but if they weren't brittle and didn't have ridges, like ruffles' I might take better care of them.
I do not have a pretty smile, my lips pretty much disappear when I smile.
I have a hard time telling people when I am hurt.
I get hurt when people leave.
I battle my weight, even when I am thin it is a battle to stay that way, this one I have learned to accept and live with.
I am allergic to MSG, that might seem insignificant but I cannot eat anything with a sauce at your house or at a restaurant. No Chinese food, no Hot dogs, no chips, no gravy, no soups, none of that, EVER.

Me and Civil Rights in 1968

It’s June 17 1968 The Supreme Court rules against discrimination in the purchase or lease of property. Recently some profound things have happened in the world that I am acutely aware of. Just 11 days have past since RFK’s assassination. MLK was assassinated in Apr. There are critical civil wounds still fresh in South Carolina and in Chicago. The North Koreans and the North Vietnamese are advancing in their offensive.



It’s June 17 1968 and my Grandmother and I board a double decker Greyhound bus in San Francisco, CA bound for Essex, ME. First stop, right over the bridge, Oakland, CA. The bus fills us with Freedom Riders; white, black, young and old. During that trip I ate gorp, made god’s eyes, sang gospel songs, and most importantly formed the basis for many of my ideals. My Grandmother and I were accidental participants and it changed our lives. I was wide eyed and 7.

My Aunt's Poems that are online...more about that later; I promise

LIGHT (ghazal 1)
Barbara MacKay:
Before dawn, that slant of light,
just enough for the soul to feel the warmth of light.
The artist begins her sketch by morning's light;
etches in shadows in the sun's deepening light.
The unrequited lover searches for light;
the poet is the giver of light.
Ah, Barbara, let darkness fall from your sight.
Live again in the halo of light!
WHISPERS (ghazal 2)
Barbara MacKay:
Her words, lost in a whisper,
the hum of the feeding tube a prolonged whisper.
Ninety-five, mute but stable,
"Good genes," well-wishers whisper.
This room is lined with eggshells,
mind wanderings taut as a string of vibrant whispers.
The umbilical cord, so hard to sever,
childish whispers deepen into adult whimpers.
Yesterday, I left her room almost free of obligation,
my conscience barely whispering.

My humble home office

So, I have 2 computers, a VoIP phone, a printer, a L shaped desk (currently cluttered), Futon (for those conference calls so I can sit back when I do not have to answer the phone), large looming filing cabinet (husbands full of stuff, I have no idea but so outdated should be purged!!!), small filing cabinet (also needs to be cleaned out, my stuff for work), bookcase with office and school supplies, and a space heater (yeah).

I am so glad my office is a little larger than hers but I wish it were as tidy.

...so if you just stumbled across this; so did I...

First post in a blog.
Funny thought, in a year blogs will be passe. I seem to come across toys, ideas, insights and cool stuff right before they are passe.
Another thought. My procrastination is the bain of my stumbling through life looking like I know what i am doing purely because I spent the last 5 minutes in a frenzy cleaning up and grabbing the information you needed. Oh, and that information is stained from a coffee spill that I didn't clean up about 8 months ago, I just buried it under a pile of insignificant paper that I cannot manage to manage if my life depended on it. If you need a copy of it I will frantically retype it and make it look like I cared about it in the first place.
Ouch, truth does hurt, sometimes.
This blog came about from a desire to post some poetry I wrote in response to a poem I found online. The poem I found was written by my aunt, she doesnt know I found it, she doesnt even know or care that I am alive. She wrote the poem about my Grandmother's death and how it affected her. She has never known ( I am assuming) how I may have been affected by Gramie's death.
Here goes:

God Is Palindrome Blue

A deeper, thicker warmer blue
A palindrome blue.
A life from birth to 95
God's blue, a soul without debt.
I've peered in 3 times,
and he caught me peering.
The color of pure love;
no fear no regret.
God is blue.

I wrote that, don't steal it without my permission. It was written Jan 13, 2009. Gramie died in Sept of 1999