Been gone a while. I'll be back soon. I promise.

I have missed this and appreciate the therapy associated with reading it after being gone a while.

Still painting and learning to communicate

We got homework. To spend a few minutes every day with each other in active listening. It's something that should be done by everyone everyday really, whether in a relationship with a partner or parent and child, sibling to sibling, employer to employee. I do feel like he is really starting to hear me. Now, whether or not it will make a difference in our relationship remains to be seen.
I am still painting, I think about it daily, I make a point to think about it daily. It is exciting, I will post a picture of my latest some time today. The sky is too overcast to give me a good light right now.

DARK SIDE????

this scares me.
several years ago during an anniversary dinner, Don and I were talking about how well we knew each other and I maintained that he really doesn't know me very well, he is not that involved in my life or our relationship to know my every move or thought.
I could get away with murder, lead a double life....Don't worry, I don't.

a little over a year ago we had a similar discussion but with the emphasis on I have no way of ever knowing how he feels about things, what he thinks, what angers him or fuels his passions.

The scary part:
Both times he has eluded that he has a "DARK SIDE".....

WHAT THE H E DOUBLE TOOTHPICKS DOES THAT MEAN????

Is he depressed and does he think of suicide? Is he violent and could hurt me or somebody else? (his actions say quite the contrary that he would never fight for me or on my behalf). Is he having thoughts about another partner? Does he not believe in God really? Does he already have a double life?

Last night we went to a counselor, our first appt. He said he has these dark thoughts and he sometimes is depressed, but he didn't say what these dark thoughts are still.

Perception of how time passes, disappointing

I have reach an AH HAH moment.
I had a discussion with Josie last night about how time passes. I asked her if it ever seemed like time, just for a minute or two stood still around her and she kept moving, or if it ever felt like she could speed herself up and the rest of the world remained in it's constant time mode......she said yes and asked if she was magical....
I said I don't know but I started being able to do it when I was about her age and still from time to time experienced it until I was in my 30s.
So, I googled (by the way I love it that to google is a verb) perception of time and apparently everyone has experienced this, some more aware of it than others. Sadly is only outside influences affection your perception of time.
Well bummer!
I will tell Josie we are still magical and not ruin it for her.

Please give me a hand.

Do poets write poems at all manner of time?
Are they greeted at waking with sweet rose scented rhyme?
I think not, or naught of prose with every exhale,
Instead I pen, sure only to fail.
I open my thoughts and in come an odd trio;
Biscayne, Saffron stained and tobacco wrapped veal.
Repulsed I take leave of this. “I give up!” I proclaim,
“Winner Winner, Chicken dinner” will not follow my name.
This started with thoughts of my Grandmother’s chest.
Not the one on her bosom but below her front steps.
Its cedar exterior held tissue wrapped mysteries,
With family secrets and unanswered queries.
Full circle again, I fail to expand.
A beg you dear reader, please give me a hand.

FISHING

I still need to work on the grammar and punctuation ....
I stood still at the edge of the stream.
..Listening, hearing.
I learned from the man over there.
..Be patient, don’t move.
I saw shadows come that I had not expected.
..Felt warmth, then fatigue.
I thought about eating, drinking and voiding, a lot.
..Ignore it, be quiet.
I studied the flight of birds, calculated the path of an ant.
..Be watchful, at peace.
I pondered liabilities and recounted assets
..Be thankful, be present.
I exaggerated discomfort, and expressed regret.
productive day, my first day fishing.
_By me

I have allergies.....Salt Enzimes

I used to just say i was allergic to MSG but it is much more complicated than that. i have to avoid things with:
Malted Barley (flavor) Natural Flavors, Flavors, Flavoring Modified food starch Barley malt Reaction Flavors Rice syrup or brown rice syrup Malt Extract or Flavoring Natural Chicken, Beef, or Pork, Flavoring "Seasonings" (Most assume this means salt, pepper, or spices and herbs, which sometimes it is.) Lipolyzed butter fat Maltodextrin, dextrose, dextrates Soy Sauce or Extract "Low" or "No Fat" items Caramel Flavoring (coloring) Soy Protein Corn syrup and corn syrup solids, high fructose corn syrup Stock Soy Protein Isolate or Concentrate Citric Acid (when processed from corn) Broth Cornstarch fructose (made from corn) Milk Powder Bouillon Flowing Agents Dry Milk Solids Carrageenan Wheat, rice, corn, or oat protein Protein Fortified Milk Whey Protein or Whey Anything enriched or vitamin enriched Annatto Whey Protein Isolate or Concentrate Protein fortified "anything" Spice Pectin Enzyme modified proteins Gums (guar and vegetable) Protease Ultra-pasteurized dairy products Dough Conditioners Protease enzymes Fermented proteins Yeast Nutrients Lecithin Gluten and gluten flour Protein powders: whey, soy, oat, rice (as in protein bars shakes and body building drinks) Amino acids (as in Bragg's liquid amino acids and chelated to vitamins) Algae, phytoplankton, sea vegetable, wheat barley grass powders

Lovely isn't it!!!! If I eat those things I have a night like I had last night. You're wondering what I ate? A McDonald's 1/4pounder with fries and a diet coke

Ok, so now you are thinking,'How do you know you are allergic:
I get these symptoms when I eat something with MSG, and have for years, just recently though I get the same symptoms when I eat things with not so obvious sources or combinations of other salt enzymes.

THE SYMPTOMS:
Rapid heartbeat, Palpitations
Swelling
Irritable bowel
Muscular pain
Flu-like achiness
Joint pain
Stiffness
Dizziness
Light-headedness
Anxiety
Disorientation
Hyperactivity
Sleeplessness
Headaches

You Found Me- Where Were You (The Fray)

by the Fray:
Video here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=obhdTlImFBo
I found God
On the corner of First and Amistad
Where the west was all but one
All alone
Smoking his last cigarette
I said, “Where have you been?”
He said, “Ask anything.”

Where were you
When everything was falling apart?
All my days
Were spent by the telephone
It never rang
And all I needed was a call
It never came
To the corner of First and Amistad

Lost and insecure
You found me, you found me
Lying on the floor
Surrounded, surrounded
Why'd you have to wait?
Where were you? Where were you?
Just a little late
You found me, you found me

In the end, everyone ends up alone
Losing her, the only one who's ever known
Who I am, who I'm not, who I want to be
No way to know, how long she will be next to me

Lost and insecure
You found me, you found me
Lying on the floor
Surrounded, surrounded
Why'd you have to wait?
Where were you? Where were you?
Just a little late
You found me, you found me

Early morning
The city breaks
I’ve been calling
For years and years and years and years
And you never left me no messages
You never sent me no letters
You got some kind of nerve
Taking all that I want

Lost and insecure
You found me, you found me
Lying on the floor
Where were you, where were you?

Lost and insecure
You found me, you found me
Lying on the floor
Surrounded, surrounded
Why'd you have to wait?
Where were you? Where were you?
Just a little late
You found me, you found me

Why'd you have to wait,
to find me, to find me?

Headlines: Things go Kaboom, but sometimes only one person in the room sees this......

Last night after finding a curt note I put in his wallet asking him when he was going to say,'Happy Anniversary' Don went grocery shopping and bought me/the front garden a potted cyclamen. I neither like nor dislike cyclamen. I asked his is the cyclamen was because he had not said Happy Anniversary or because he has not said Happy Valentine's Day.....He said it was because they did not have an appropriate card for "I screwed up".
-Note with a 12 yr old in the house there are few if any moments when you will not be overheard...so we had about 7 minutes to talk all day.
_____I am 48, married 17 yrs to a Passive Aggressive, to Don (the PA), 7 minutes is an eternity, to me, time is not the problem, the discussion is always a disaster, and has been proven so every time.

----I asked him if he thought it was time to go to counseling, he said it never worked before, Counseling does not work for him. (WTF???) swearing again, I know, sorry
- Like not going to counseling is working???....Kaboom- 7 minutes....

This morning, with a tear stained face:
I state, " I think we need to sit down and talk about what if anything we are going to do about the quality of our relationship. (pause, he hates those) I felt very sad going to church alone on our anniversary, I mean, that we both have God in our lives is a tenet of our relationship. That you would get all fired up and angry that the neighbor's dog might come through the fence into our backyard but cant get angry that about our relationship; I think your priorities are way off".........Kaboom- another 7 minutes, with a promise of more.

I am feeling anxious, depressed, sad, bewildered, resentful

Well, that's a mouthful. I am depressed, again. Not the depressed/soundwall depressed but depressed.
I have had the soundwall feelings but I am not having them right now.
Josie has had some of those feelings too, that scares the (careful now I am going to swear) shit out of me!!!

The way I am right now, well,I get that way from time to time and really it is a culmination of all the other titles of this post. Finding happiness is well, hard, at least for me.
I don't expect that I will ever be happy for any length of time, for lots of reasons....relationship with Don, lack of relationship with my Aunts, Cousin and Uncle, Brothers, I expect I'll have to struggle to find the few fleeting moments of happiness for the rest of my life.
But true happiness does happen in my life in every moment, it is always present in these things:
it is in my daughters, in the sound of Josie's music, in her closeness.
It is in Eli's awesome knowledge, in her relationship with Chano, it is in her voice when she sings, I wish she liked to touch more, she is not a very touchy fealy kind of person, my Aunt Lois is like that too. I miss it but always feel like I am invading her space when I go to touch her.

Don, I wish he loved me. I want us to have a "in love" marriage but we just don't. I will never have that, I think we did at the start but we clearly don't now.

Life choices that don't seem too good on Valentine's day and Anniversaries

Today is my 17th anniversary, we have not spoken even a complete sentence to each other so far today. We will not eat dinner together, There will be no joy in today for me.
Yesterday was Valentine's Day. It would have been nice to have someone that loved me help me cook in the kitchen, we could have done it while listening to music. instead he has this false sense of helping if he sets the table and stands in the adjacent room watching a movie. Must be a good movie.

When will I get the guy who is always helping cook dinner and clean up in the kitchen, sharing the day's happenings, talking about things that matter?
Oh, that's right, NOT IN THIS LIFE.

Last night I couldn't sleep. Oh, did I mention he never said Happy Valentine's Day!!!
I just could not fall deeply asleep, my body, heart and hear were all tied up in knots. I wanted to sleep. About 4 am I got up and came down stairs to the family room and cried, I just firmly believe that DON DOES NOT LOVE ME!!!

Don came down about 4:30, arrgh, my privacy invaded, sometimes you just need to be alone and cry, this was one of those times. He asked if I wanted some coffee, are you kidding??? I went back up to bed and after tossing a bit was able to go to sleep. He got ready and left for Church without even waking me of saying goodbye to me this morning.
Did I mention that today is OUR ANNIVERSARY????!!!!
DAMN!!!


He has some VFW dinner he is going to tonight, it's at this horrible little local restaurant, Jonsey's, I cannot eat there, they use MSG in almost everything so I am not going. Did I mention it is our Anniversary???!!!

Making Chowmein out of my noodle!

Last night's sleepless moments: DON SNORES!! oh boy does he snore. If I fall asleep before him it's no big deal most of the time I can ignore it and fall asleep. As a matter of fact, I think I sleep rather well WHEN he snores. It's when he doesn't snore that maybe my sleep is not great. Last night I did my usual tossing and turning, kick out my leg to cool down, curl my pillow under my neck...the usual stuff. At some point I woke and lay there for a while.....Don wasn't snoring, moving and I couldn't hear him breathing......
~~~History~~~
It's Halloween 2007 and I get a call about 4:45 from Don, from a Kaiser number. My first question," Why are you at Kaiser?" He is in the ER, he felt fluttery and almost like he was passing out on the way, while driving across the bridge, he drove himself to Kaiser. by about 11:30that night they let us go, his heartbeat was finally normal.
Thanksgiving ( 3 weeks later) we repeat the scare while at my Dad's in Half Moon Bay.
~~~back to the present~~~
Yeah, I still worry about it. I don't know if he does. Anyway I nudge him and he wakes up for a sec and falls back to sleep, he is okay.

~~~The night before last I dreamt of my Gramie, I actually dream about her and my brother Jimmy quite a lot. In my dream I am delivering her eulogy, only this time I am rewriting it several times and each time I am standing up there I am saying more of those things that, although might have hurt my aunts and womb donor, would have made me feel a little better. A couple of those things:

-Gramie always talked about God, she had an experience where she felt the Holy Spirit present before her. She saw a white cloaked man before her while she was standing outside of church. She loved God with all of her energy. Some people found that un-nerving, disturbing, frightening, crazy, senile. I will pray everyday from this day that when I am wise enough in my years and faith I too will love God with all of my energy and time. And, if God sees fit, and I am worthy, I too will be chosen to experience him before me.

*That really would have upset Lois and Barbara because they hated that Gramie talked like that. They didn't believe it happened and believed her to be a little senile, they dismissed these episodes as little strokes or TIAs.)

*When Gramie was 13 she had a job in a factory, it was a laundry factory, there were machines and tables and pillars in this large warehouse. She had a friend Owen ( Barbara said he was a cousin). Owen was older than her a couple of years. The manager or boss of the factory used to corner the girls working there and make them uncomfortable, it was an inappropriate advance into their personal space. Owen knew he did this. One day he cornered gramie and tried to pass in front of by her pressing himself against her between a pillar and a large piece of equipment, too small a space for two people to pass without touching. Owen said something or did something that got Gramie out of his path and prevented it. He then took Gramie aside and told her about the behavior and how to protect herself from these advances. Gramie was very impressed with his action. I believe Gramie really liked Owen and apparently he liked her too. Owen once asked if he could kiss Gramie and because she was 13 she said no. She always regretted that Owen did not kiss her.

~~In my dream, my final comment for her eulogy was, Gramie, kiss Owen for me and tell him I say Thank You.

-Love and Prayers Gramie, and yes, I will research Josepha Goreal for information on Rafael orozoc.

I have hit a dead end, I cannot find anything on my Grandmother's father or brother:
Father- Rafael Orozco
Brother- George Hilary Orozco, or Jorge Hilario Orozco

A monkey, a brick and Tarzan

3 physicists are in an African Rain forest proving a new theory they have about humidity and probability. The 1st physicist picks up a brick and states that he will throw it in the air and it will land on the ground at exactly 8.334 feet south and 2.5 feet west of a designated marker. Sure enough, his prediction is right on the mark. The crowd cheers, pictures are taken, etc. The 2nd physicist picks up the brick and makes a similar claim, this time 6.75 feet from the mark. Again, right on the mark. The 3rd physicist picks up the brick and states that he will throw it in the air. He does and..........it never comes down. (laugh)

Joke#1B
A zoologist is vying for a career with the San Diego Zoo, but there are many applicants and the Zoo officials devise criteria to help them make their decision. The first of which is going to Africa and obtaining a rare bird for their collection. So this certain Zoologist sets forth with his faithful companion, a very musical and patriotic monkey he has raised from a baby, to Africa.
On the plane, well into the flight, passengers start to complain about the monkey. So the stewardess tells the gentleman that because of airline policy that he will either have to place the monkey in the cargo hold or flush the monkey. After much argument, he decides the more humane way is to flush the monkey, as the cargo hold is not temperature controlled. After he returns to his seat from flushing his monkey he lights up a very expensive Cuban cigar. The passengers are outraged and he just won't put it out so the stewardess and the pilot force him to flush that as well. He is now livid, and cannot be consoled. he stomps back to his seat and reaches over to , raise the window shade , he's sitting right above the wing, and what do you suppose he sees on the wing? The brick.

#1C

The plane lands in Africa and the Zoologist heads into the Jungle to find this rare bird. Along the way he comes across a man in a loin cloth painting stripes on Zebras, now we don't know if he is painting Black stripes on White Zebras or White stripes on Black Zebras, and that's not important so I'll just go on. The zoologist introduces himself to Tarzan and asks him for help finding the bird. Tarzan directs him over a raveen, behind a rock to a nest full of brightly colored eggs, He tells the Zoologist to run with the nest in his hand and the bird will follow, as they are her eggs. The zoologist does as directed and the bird follows him, he captures it and returns to San Diego Zoo. Everyone is happy, and the Zoo sends him on another quest.
This time for a baby African Elephant. The Zoologist is certain Tarzan can help him again so he heads to Africa. Once there the Zoologist heads into the Jungle and finds Tarzan dressed in a loin cloth, painting stripes on Zebras, now we don't know if he is painting Black stripes on White Zebras or White stripes on Black Zebras, and that's not important so I'll just go on. After talking briefly Tarzan agrees to help his new friend, He informs the Zoologist that Baby African Elephants can't resist bananas dipped in peanut butter and encourages him to leave a trail outside a certain cave and an Elephant will follow him. Sure enough, several bananas later the Zoologist is on his way back to San Diego with a baby African Elephant. Back at the Zoo, everybody is thrilled and they send him on a final quest.
To bring back an all white Zebra. He is certain Tarzan will help him now and the Zoologist heads for the last time to that same jungle in Africa. He finds Tarzan, still in his loin cloth painting stripes on Zebras, now we don't know if he is painting Black stripes on White Zebras or White stripes on Black Zebras, and that's not important so I'll just go on. Tarzan promises to give the Zoologist his last all white Zebra but only after the two sit for a while and get to know each other better, At a point in their conversation the Zoologist begs Tarzan to tell him why he isn't out swinging and yelling in the canopy and why he is always painting stripes on Zebras. Tarzan tells him that several years ago Jane left him for a life back in the big city and this made him very sad. He went to a meadow to be by himself and ask the Earth and Sky to send him a sign, to tell him what he should do, Just then a patriotic and very musical Monkey with a cigar in his mouth fell from the sky and proclaimed: "STARZAN Stripes Forever!".

Wow, that's depressing....

I must be feeling frumpy or grumpy....I can't tell, it feels just like every other day. Maybe I am generally pessimistic???

Realistically though, if I turned 50 tomorrow, who really would definitely be there(this list being who I would want there), of my peers and people I have an emotional tie too?

Hmmm, Fam, rents.

KT, BM

who would maybe be there?

CBF


Who would probably not be there but would be invited anyway:

OBD, DF, M&J, RF, DD, MW, LG, CF, VS, LMM

and definately, no way would they find a way to be there:

LG
Actually in reflection, I think I am feeling like I left a little something behind a long time ago, maybe twice, and I miss it.

So, I was reminded today that all the mistakes I made were made as an adult

Things about me that frustrate or irk me
yes, that's a word, and that's my story):

I like to take photographs. I know funny way to start this post, but you see, I take photographs because I do not like to be in photographs. I am not necessarily pretty. From time to time I have had a nice body, from time to time when I get dressed up I look nice. There are some picture or me where I look good but as a general rule I can not wake up, get dressed and head out the door and have someone find me pretty.

Yeah sure beauty is only skin deep, blah blah blah, but I was not dealt the best face, hair, body or anything else. Do men find me attractive, I don't believe they do off hand, maybe when I was younger. Maybe when I was fit my body was nice. Maybe when I was dressed up I looked pretty but if they saw me on any given tuesday morning, lol, no.

Yes, I have had men in my life (I can name them but I wouldn't want to post it online) that find me pretty, but because I know them really well I can safely say I became more attractive when they got to know me.

I do not have a pretty voice, although I know of few people who really like my voice....to me it sounds kinda mechanical and nasal.

I did not finish college, although I am not sure I would have ever been satisfied in a career that would have come from a degree when I was young. I am a really good student I was just never quite certain what I wanted to do with my life and now I want to do dozens of things.

I learned just enough to be mediocre at the piano, I could have and I should have learned more.

I do not have many friends. If I died today I can count on my hands the people who would show up at my funeral, and I cannot guarantee they would even show up because if I die before my husband he would not know who to tell or call. I hate the fact that I do not have a lot of friends, the day I hate it most is on my birthday, believe me I will expound on that later.

I am not close to my brothers(from my mother). My oldest brother and I have a very strained but amicable relationship, I would know be able to pick his wife out in a crowd and I do not know my nephews at all. I have 2 brothers that were not raised with me at all, they do not keep in contact with me, although I could be better at calling Lawrence.

I procrastinate, sometimes on everything.....
I bite my nails, I know.....lol, but if they weren't brittle and didn't have ridges, like ruffles' I might take better care of them.
I do not have a pretty smile, my lips pretty much disappear when I smile.
I have a hard time telling people when I am hurt.
I get hurt when people leave.
I battle my weight, even when I am thin it is a battle to stay that way, this one I have learned to accept and live with.
I am allergic to MSG, that might seem insignificant but I cannot eat anything with a sauce at your house or at a restaurant. No Chinese food, no Hot dogs, no chips, no gravy, no soups, none of that, EVER.

Me and Civil Rights in 1968

It’s June 17 1968 The Supreme Court rules against discrimination in the purchase or lease of property. Recently some profound things have happened in the world that I am acutely aware of. Just 11 days have past since RFK’s assassination. MLK was assassinated in Apr. There are critical civil wounds still fresh in South Carolina and in Chicago. The North Koreans and the North Vietnamese are advancing in their offensive.



It’s June 17 1968 and my Grandmother and I board a double decker Greyhound bus in San Francisco, CA bound for Essex, ME. First stop, right over the bridge, Oakland, CA. The bus fills us with Freedom Riders; white, black, young and old. During that trip I ate gorp, made god’s eyes, sang gospel songs, and most importantly formed the basis for many of my ideals. My Grandmother and I were accidental participants and it changed our lives. I was wide eyed and 7.

My Aunt's Poems that are online...more about that later; I promise

LIGHT (ghazal 1)
Barbara MacKay:
Before dawn, that slant of light,
just enough for the soul to feel the warmth of light.
The artist begins her sketch by morning's light;
etches in shadows in the sun's deepening light.
The unrequited lover searches for light;
the poet is the giver of light.
Ah, Barbara, let darkness fall from your sight.
Live again in the halo of light!
WHISPERS (ghazal 2)
Barbara MacKay:
Her words, lost in a whisper,
the hum of the feeding tube a prolonged whisper.
Ninety-five, mute but stable,
"Good genes," well-wishers whisper.
This room is lined with eggshells,
mind wanderings taut as a string of vibrant whispers.
The umbilical cord, so hard to sever,
childish whispers deepen into adult whimpers.
Yesterday, I left her room almost free of obligation,
my conscience barely whispering.

My humble home office

So, I have 2 computers, a VoIP phone, a printer, a L shaped desk (currently cluttered), Futon (for those conference calls so I can sit back when I do not have to answer the phone), large looming filing cabinet (husbands full of stuff, I have no idea but so outdated should be purged!!!), small filing cabinet (also needs to be cleaned out, my stuff for work), bookcase with office and school supplies, and a space heater (yeah).

I am so glad my office is a little larger than hers but I wish it were as tidy.

...so if you just stumbled across this; so did I...

First post in a blog.
Funny thought, in a year blogs will be passe. I seem to come across toys, ideas, insights and cool stuff right before they are passe.
Another thought. My procrastination is the bain of my stumbling through life looking like I know what i am doing purely because I spent the last 5 minutes in a frenzy cleaning up and grabbing the information you needed. Oh, and that information is stained from a coffee spill that I didn't clean up about 8 months ago, I just buried it under a pile of insignificant paper that I cannot manage to manage if my life depended on it. If you need a copy of it I will frantically retype it and make it look like I cared about it in the first place.
Ouch, truth does hurt, sometimes.
This blog came about from a desire to post some poetry I wrote in response to a poem I found online. The poem I found was written by my aunt, she doesnt know I found it, she doesnt even know or care that I am alive. She wrote the poem about my Grandmother's death and how it affected her. She has never known ( I am assuming) how I may have been affected by Gramie's death.
Here goes:

God Is Palindrome Blue

A deeper, thicker warmer blue
A palindrome blue.
A life from birth to 95
God's blue, a soul without debt.
I've peered in 3 times,
and he caught me peering.
The color of pure love;
no fear no regret.
God is blue.

I wrote that, don't steal it without my permission. It was written Jan 13, 2009. Gramie died in Sept of 1999