Well, that's a mouthful. I am depressed, again. Not the depressed/soundwall depressed but depressed.
I have had the soundwall feelings but I am not having them right now.
Josie has had some of those feelings too, that scares the (careful now I am going to swear) shit out of me!!!
The way I am right now, well,I get that way from time to time and really it is a culmination of all the other titles of this post. Finding happiness is well, hard, at least for me.
I don't expect that I will ever be happy for any length of time, for lots of reasons....relationship with Don, lack of relationship with my Aunts, Cousin and Uncle, Brothers, I expect I'll have to struggle to find the few fleeting moments of happiness for the rest of my life.
But true happiness does happen in my life in every moment, it is always present in these things:
it is in my daughters, in the sound of Josie's music, in her closeness.
It is in Eli's awesome knowledge, in her relationship with Chano, it is in her voice when she sings, I wish she liked to touch more, she is not a very touchy fealy kind of person, my Aunt Lois is like that too. I miss it but always feel like I am invading her space when I go to touch her.
Don, I wish he loved me. I want us to have a "in love" marriage but we just don't. I will never have that, I think we did at the start but we clearly don't now.
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